Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
