all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
