I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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