woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Randomize
