I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
this is an emotional support booty call
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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