I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
3 2 1 whiskey
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
