I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize