Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
