His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
