We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
