I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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