How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
