We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
