I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
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