Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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