I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
