Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
