Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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