One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
