my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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