it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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