Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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