my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
