I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
