Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
