just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
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