Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
