Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
