After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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