I faked an abortion last night.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
