Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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