How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize