good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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