running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize