i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
