Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
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