Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
