I have demons in me.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
