Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
