bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Come on in and take your pants off
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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