Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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