I want to stick my p in your. b.
I puked a lego.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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