This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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