Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
