we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
