If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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