I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
