U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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