dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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