remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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