Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
