Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
