i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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