The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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