ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
