I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
