I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
