That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I am in a vortex of obligation.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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