apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Your penis caused this!
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