It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
