I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Someone came in the potted fern
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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