I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
