here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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