if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
