why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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