the new term for farting is butt boxing.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
