Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
