Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
