i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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