just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize